Friday, February 4, 2011

Well Ill just give the background.

On Nov 20th of last year i found out my husband was cheating on me. I came across the emails where they were professing their love for eachother. I confronted him about it when he IM'ed me. (he is deployed) He confessed to having sex with her and begged me to forgive him. I was devastated. On the 22nd I forgave him. I told him in order for us to make it work we would have to go to marriage counseling once he returned. And that he was to no longer have contact with her. He agreed to these terms telling me that he would do anything to make our marriage work. I had him give me the passwords to all of his email accounts and everything. On the 24th I found out he created another email that he was using to talk to her. I got into it and started reading the emails. It just pushed me over the edge. I started thinking about suicide (I deal with depression to begin with and am dealing with PPD since my DD was 7 weeks old) I went so far as to go into my bathroom and grab a bottle of pills and had them opened when my 4 year old walked in the bathroom to ask what i was doing. I put the pills away and called a friend to take me to the ER so I could get help. I would up in a psychiatric hospital for 10 days on suicide watch. On the 26th (day after thanksgiving) He called to inform me that he didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I had to be medicated to get some sleep that night. he called me again on the 28th to see how I was doing. i begged him not to leave me, but he just informed me again that he didnt love me. I didnt hear from him the rest of the time I was there. I got out on Dec 3rd only to have him message me as soon as I walked in the door wanting to discuss the divorce agreements. It was such a slap in the face. The man I love, the father of my 3 children was just walking away from me, not caring how it was destroying me up inside. That evening I also got a visit from DHS because i had been reported for environmental neglect on the kids. Some stuff was said that was not true and i am still living with DHS social workers in my life.

Almost everytime i talked to him I begged him not to leave me, I threatened, you name it I did it. I just couldnt come to terms to how he could way away into the arms of another woman. Now its gottan to a point where i dont want him to stay anymore. it hurts me so much to know that the last 5 years have pretty much been a lie. (He told me he had not loved me in a long time)

So now I am at the point of trying to move cross country with 3 kids and my disability of being legally blind. I try to look to the future and see the positive, but thats not happening. All I can see is me struggling to get the kids to school, and daycare, and get to a job on time, all with not being able to drive. I see myself alone because no man is going to want a 23 year old single mom to 3 who is legally blind. I have no self esteem right now and absolutely hate how i look. I see him with his girlfriend (they are currently dating) and my kids around them on visitation and her replacing me. Or them badmouthing me where the kids can hear and losing any respect I get from them. I feel like i am a failure and that its all my fault. I keep trying to find out where i went wrong. I KNOW its not my fault but I cant help but feel that way. Today as I was doing dishes I just started crying because there must be something wrong with me if the father of my children cant love me. Am I just this horrible person that nobody can love? I am beginning to think maybe that is the case. I went through hell growing up in foster care. I had 5 good years with the STBXH and now everything is just shitty again. I feel like I am never going to catch a break because if it can go wrong these last 2.5 months it has.

Where do I go from here? How am I supposed to start healing when I still love him? When do you know that you are at the beginning of something and not still fighting the end?

Sorry for any typos...I have been crying the entire time writting this. I dont know why I did it, you guys dont care about my drama lol...but I just needed to get it out.


  1. i am so sorry you are going through this, but i am so glad you posted. i was getting really worried about you, and it does help to get things out. take one step at a time. you can do it. keep blogging. i like to know how you are doing.

  2. Hey, I care! Are you in counseling? It might help to have somebody to talk to. The thing that complicates things now is that you still love him. Is there a part of you that is angry? Can you use that anger to fuel all the changes you need to make in your life?

    I don't want you to feel like it's going to be impossible to find somebody to love you given your situation. People fall in love in the most impossible situations all the time. You are so young. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. There are so many things that could happen. Just focus on living an authentic life and finding out who you are. Yes, your childhood was shitty, you had 5 good years but that person walked away, but the rest of your life doesn't have to be shitty too. It's not over yet!

  3. Thanks. Im not in counseling because its too hard to try and get a sitter and transportation. I feel guilty for asking because people have better things to do than drive me around.

    Things have been getting better, especially since I have been doing alot of talking with him. He is actually listening to what I have to say now and not going off on me. I am mot getting blamed for everything anymore.

    I was angry...and it just made me miserable. I have decided to just wave the white flag. I am ready to move on. I will always love him. And he will always love me, we just cant be IN love. And I am okay with that. I know its going to take time for my heart to not hurt when we talk, or when I see him...but that hurt reminds me that I am human. I fell in love and I am grieving that the life I had is over. And now its time to move on to bigger and better things